Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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