You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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