Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
