just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
