You work out of a Hotel?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
