I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
