i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
