we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
should my penis look like a turkey
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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