What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
