why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
