If that was your dad, he is hot
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
