3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
