Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
