So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
