he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
