Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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