I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
