I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
