if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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