I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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