Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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