have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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