i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
