Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
