I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
