I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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