I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
