i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
