Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
