nut hugger
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
