Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
