Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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