I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
