I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
