oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
