i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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