did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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