I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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