Yo dont text me then not text me
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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