He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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