She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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