i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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