So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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