none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
