I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
