so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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