The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
