shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
