I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
