tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
