I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Randomize
