She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
