today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
