I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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